I LOVE YOU NOT
- The BMW M3 is a little like Charlie Sheen in the original Wall Street. In fact, it's a little like Charlie Sheen, period: showy, excessive, loud. It's a great car for investment bankers and Ponzi schemers, but probably not so much for lovers. The M3 says, "I love myself, and it's hard to take time out of my busy schedule to love you, too."
- The Kia Soul surprised a lot of people when it launched. "Another boxy multi-purpose vehicle?", they asked. "Do we really need that?" Apparently, we do. And as with other MPV owners, Soulsters are slightly more prone to cart around their pals and stash boxes (or so we've heard) than their romantic interests. The Kia Soul says, "I like you -- no, really, I do -- but not as much as my homies. And hamsters. Dude, it is all about the hamsters. Whoa, did that fire hydrant just TALK?"
- The Volkswagen Jetta has such a sad story to tell. Once, it was a peppy, preppy, stylish sedan -- nothing too grand, but entertaining enough. And the public believed in its austere, reliable German roots. Then came quality issues and reinvention and frankly, the most recent iteration feels a little "bargain basement" to some of us. The Jetta says, "How can I love you when I don't love myself?"
- The Nissan Cube is still so new, it's stuck in what we'll call its "hipster phase". It's slightly more mature than the Kia Soul, a little more aesthetically intriguing, but it's still trying to find itself. If it could, the Cube would take a break from its job at American Apparel and backpack through Europe for a few months. The Cube says, "I love you not -- at least not right now. While I'm in Prague, why don't you listen to this Joanna Newsom CD and we'll see if you're up to snuff when I get back?"
- If anything, the Subaru Forester has a bit too much love to pass around. Subie fans are passionate about everything, which means they don't always have emotion to spare. The Forester says, "I love my dog, my spinning class, laughter in the rain, Vibram FiveFingers running shoes, my recycle bin (made from recycled recycling bins!), and Belgian ale. If I have time after all that, then yes, I will love you, but to be honest: I don't think I can afford the commitment right now."
[with help from Marty]