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Video: How Not To Fix Your Car And Crush Your Manhood

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Car repair is not a simple thing as my wife will have you believe. Even small things -- like getting out that massive series of scratches after life partner wasn’t watching where she was going with our vehicle -- are really a job for someone who is trained at this kind of thing. In short, not me.

But she had to subtly question my manhood by saying, “It’s just a touch-up paint job. That’s what so-and-so said, and he’s done that kind of thing before.”

Having felt that she a) challenged my manhood, and b) challenged my skills with all things automotive, I naturally said, “Well, I could give it a shot.”

The right part of my brain said, “Touch up the scratches on the car? Sure, no sweat. No where are my underpants again?” Then left part of my brain said “Are you really that stupid? Have you learned nothing about yourself over the years? You possess 10 arthritic thumbs, poorer vision that a short-sighted shark and an inflated sense of ego inversely proportional to your income and hairline. Both of which are receding.”

Guess which half won.

So, after I opened the package of touch-up paint, gave a cursory glance to the instructions, opened the fiberglass pen and also glanced at the package, I began to mangle and disfigure an already mangled automotive conveyance. My apparent lack of skill for applying touch-up paint knows no bounds. Granted, when I read the warning label and then the ingredients I realized I was inhaling tuloene, kerosene and I am pretty sure something that read “ethyl-deathyl crystal-methyl” -- but that last one might be a result of the contact high I got when I opened the tube. To me it looks like a drunk attacked my car with black Liquid Paper.

So, after surviving that synapse-shredding event, I decided I would do the honest thing and recommend that you watch these three commercials from the company that has too many spokespeople, GEICO. They make it clear, in a really cute way that you should use their professionals to clean up your automotive mishaps.

All three commercials are kind of weird, but GEICO is known for making commercials that are a little out there. And these three are pretty far out. Talking trees, pipes and bumpers. Actually, I think it’s quite clever, because we have all smashed our cars against inanimate objects at one time or another, only to feel the rage boil up inside of us, aimed squarely not at ourselves, but at that thing that we ran into. Who of us hasn’t kicked a parking meter we have just backed over, I ask you? I think these are good ads and worth a watch. I particularly like the eastern European, Slavic accent on the talking pipes. Nice touch.

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