1994 Jaguar XJSEnlarge Photo
I recently bought a new scanner and decided to scan pictures of every car I’ve owned and write a self- indulgent fluff piece about my personal car history. The following is a list of every car I have ever owned and the reasons you should rush out to your local salvage yard and buy one. Enjoy.
1953 M381A Military Jeep
I learned to drive on one of these babies during the Vietnam War (I was a 15-year-old living in Massachusetts at the time, but it was during the Vietnam War). It had no doors and no roof. It had one of those old starter buttons on the floor and a wartime blackout light system. How many kids could say that about their first car? Among all my friends, I was the most prepared for a Russian invasion.
1973 Ford Galaxie 500 Sedan
Lulubelle was my first official car. It was named after a tank in a war movie because you could ram it into anything and still come out alive. The rear fenders grew rust holes that allowed the trunk contents to slide out, and major parts of the car fell off on a regular basis. By the time I junked it, it was just a seat and a steering wheel, but it still handled quite well.
1965 Ford Mustang Notchback Coupe
A hand-me-down from by brother. I couldn’t fix it so I sold it to someone who could and he made a boat-load of money off it. I got the last laugh, though, when I drove it into a pond.
1973 Volkswagen 412 Station Wagon
This car never made it past than the end of the driveway, but it had a cool German interior.
1972/1976 Oldsmobile Ninety Eight Regency Coupe
Imagine its 1979 and most of the kids your age are driving beat-up Chevy Vegas or Novas. Now imagine that you’re driving a luxury yacht with the biggest engine and back seat in automotive history. That was me during my high school years. My parents bought a pair of Oldsmobile Ninety Eight Regency Coupes and my best friend had a 1976 Cadillac Coupe Deville with curtains in the back window, and the two of us took these monsters around to parties. Those were the days.
1981 Ford Escort L
I had this car custom ordered with every option available and then drove it into the ground. It didn’t get its first oil change until 65,000 miles. Eventually, the driver’s seat broke and I had to lean to the right every time I got behind the wheel.
1976 Oldsmobile Ninety Eight Regency Pillarless Hardtop
Words to describe this car include massive, behemoth, leviathan, herculean and titanic. Under the runway-sized hood was a 455 cubic-inch rocket engine, and inside were recliner-sized front flight seats made with leather and velour. It was roughly the size of Giants stadium and could seat 60,000 comfortably.
1979 Cadillac Series Seventy Five Limousine
I started my own Limousine Company at 21-years of age and this was my first limo. It was a factory car without a solid divider and had a custom wood bar and one of the earliest Harris radiotelephones. The phone had a control box in the trunk the size of a small stove and rarely worked properly.
1983/1986/1989 Lincoln Town Car Stretch Limousines
This car was a double-cut Armbruster Stageway, stretched once in the middle and once again behind the rear door. It was originally a gift from Liza Minnelli to Tommy Tune and was equipped with one of the first Billy Bars, named after Yankee manager Billy Martin. The next car was a 1986 Lincoln Town Car Stretch Limousine made by Carlos Allen. The car featured a single stretch with a raised formal roof, double side bars, and custom burled mahogany woodwork. Then I bought a 1989 Lincoln Town Car Stretch Limousine built by Bradford Coachworks, which was given to a customizer in Texas who added Level 2 Armor to the car, which is why none of my clients were ever assassinated while I was driving them.